le journal d'une fille etranger

kahluagal @ 2024-07-09T18:06:00

2024-07-09T22:08:09Z

I have no energy for it all any more

- unemployed
- broke and going through savings
- trauma and PTSD
- more health crap

I am alone, alone, alone and planning. Planning how to tie things up with a bow.

i have learned a lot of painful lessons and how shockingly naive I have been. I was not made for this world. I'm ready for the new one and the end of suffering.

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kahluagal @ 2023-12-25T15:17:00

2023-12-25T20:19:37Z

I love sitting in this house knowing I will never spend another holiday here. I am not related to these people and have no obligation. I owe nobody a damn thing.

I realized unless it helps me move overseas I won't spend time with it - including people.

WOULD RATHER BE ALONE THAN UNHAPPY

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I am now alone

2023-08-13T20:47:04Z

The boyfriend dumped me after repeated months of emotional abuse and 2 years of pandemic dating. He moved on quickly and is building a house with his new supply - two houses one for him, one for her - and has cut me out of his life. I have an idea of an email to send to him (more on that later) that will hurt him and get me the justice. He will never apologize for his malevolence. He is toxic. He is damaged. He is hate.

The words that can destroy us are as deadly a weapon as a gun. Worse, probably.

I am reminded of who needs to be in my life, and who are Adulting Actors - the people who I will be nice to and wear a mask, but NEVER reveal myself to. These are the job references, the 'people with a car', the people who I for whatever reason have to play 'nicey nice'. These are not my people. I have my goals and I will find my chosen people - the witches, the kink friendly people, the Burners, everyone who I believe in more.

I hate living here - this city, this country - and am applying to move overseas and am focusing on the job hunt there (with a temporary stop somewhere cheaper, even getting a roommate, as gross as that is). Maybe I'll move to Boston or some other big city temporarily - not that any place is cheap. But I have a plan to do all the things I want - including getting my poetry published. And the message I will send the ex is one of the most eloquent things I've ever written, and it will sting. I have to decide how far and how honest to go, but I don't want this toxic person in my life so may the bridges I burn light the way.

The best part is I know something that happened to him that in some ways he always fought but knows it's true - how his family thought of him. The way I phrased it, I hope to also publish that prose piece. There is nothing more I want than fame and to see him crumple as my star rises.

I hope he ends up alone after screaming at another unsuspecting woman. How many has he yelled at, over his life?

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kahluagal @ 2022-08-24T12:54:00

2022-08-24T16:55:47Z

a never ending list of things to do and no physical energy to get it done. i have never been this exhausted before and now need a morning and afternoon nap. I feel like I am the cliche of the vulnerable older women and I am very scared about the future not to mention the present.

Am I going to end up alone and trip and fall, and end up dying and nobody notice I'm going until it's too late?

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kahluagal @ 2022-08-07T13:09:00

2022-08-07T17:10:23Z

I have gone completely no contact with Fuckface. It's been at least a week, and I've given one word responses. I have too much I want to do, and his disturbed self can go die in a corner.

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kahluagal @ 2022-06-05T11:35:00

2022-06-05T15:46:07Z

I'm so happy to be free of asshat. I honestly have cut him out completely and see how disturbed he is. He of course is still randomly messaging to see how I'm doing and blah blah blah good person blah SNORE. Fuck him so much. I hate him and always will.

Two years wasted on bullshit

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kahluagal @ 2022-05-30T15:29:00

2022-05-30T19:34:18Z

I am doing house projects. Want to see a movie later... [...] If seeing me is weird, it's ok.

WHO HANGS OUT WITH THEIR EXES LIKE THIS? Just casually going to a movie with the person who broke your heart?

The best part? When we were having a heated discussion about relationships and moving in together, he said 'we're not there yet'. So I get to throw that back in his face.

He didn't even remember that we had had that discussion, or even that he had invited me to the part of a friend of his where we had it. It's like he doesn't remember half of 'us' for most of this.

He's going through a rough patch but that's none of my concern. Too much hurt and I'll never heal and have to get off this rollercoaster and concentrate on the new hobbies I want, and when I'm lonely a) go to meetups to get my fill of social interaction, and b) one day I won't be single (or not) and I can live without the physical connection because I need the emotional connection more.

Fuck romance, fuck sex - give me a person who can make me laugh and give me a hug.

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kahluagal @ 2022-05-29T20:09:00

2022-05-30T00:11:20Z

"we're not really a couple', he said.

And after a fight, him saying I was treating him as a crutch.

I don't want his bullshit.

So I am now single and happy about it. He send the occasional text (problems with his sink? What?) but I give him one line responses and will fade away.

Yet another fraud, and likely the last man I will date for a very long time - unless someone will take care of me.

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kahluagal @ 2022-05-15T14:33:00

2022-05-15T18:36:54Z

on the verge of breaking up, and he sends a 'I think we're each going to be ok, you have my forever allegiance'.

I hope to never contact him again.

"I think we're going to be ok" - after a fucking BREAKUP? This man is not well and I should never had gone on a date with him. He is so mentally unwell on so many levels. Says I'm beautiful and he loves me - but doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

I need to focus on my life and pretend I never met him. Going no-contact and avoiding his mental gymnastics is going to be hard but I have a life to achieve and I don't want this person in my life any more. They don't deserve me.

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kahluagal @ 2022-04-16T15:07:00

2022-04-16T19:08:47Z

multiple people from my grad school messaging me now - why? The people who got together for dinners without me.

I stay focused on the 'who' and 'why' and do not go into the past. My goal is money and somebody amazing to love me. Looking past gets me neither of those.

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kahluagal @ 2022-04-14T09:23:00

2022-04-14T13:25:07Z

I have a massive crush on a very popular hip hop artist who is just all sorts of delightful and his ambition and talk of manifestation is intoxicating.

new goals, new goals.

Get health crap done
Lose weight
Relocate to SF (better money potentially too) and get a banging job.
Find a girlfriend (temporary)
Keep doing creative things and get what you want - more success, more money, and manifest what I want.

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kahluagal @ 2022-03-28T13:08:00

2022-03-28T17:13:30Z

Bloom is off the rose with the ex.

basically I see he hasn't changed - really. Gets super needy or makes assumptions.

'doesn't seem like you want to move".

Why? 'intuition'

Or "It's easy to have people. Go have them" (on making friends)

***
What happens is I start to see the good parts and forget to acknowledge the bad parts.

I need to find a feminist community collective housing somewhere - that's the only good part I need. I am so done with men's bullshit.

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kahluagal @ 2022-02-17T08:38:00

2022-02-17T13:40:07Z

That feeling when someone from the past returns and the possibilities from the future and moving to a new state open up again.

I realize how the current state - both geographically and this relationship - are just dark and negative and I don't want that life any more. I don't think I ever did. I'm not dark, and I belong out West, which is where I am going (for now)

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kahluagal @ 2022-02-06T18:11:00

2022-02-06T23:13:37Z

had a panic attack at the phone store when trying to get an upgrade

i feel so raw and burnt out from work but I have no idea how I'm going to make a move happen, let alone a job hunt at this point in my life, and to do it all alone.

i feel devastated and entirely alone and so fucking scared.

i'm spending the night reading about hormones to see if something will help me cope. i feel so broken and could crack into a million pieces at any moment.

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kahluagal @ 2022-02-06T10:28:00

2022-02-06T15:33:52Z

I continue to sell anything that I had with my life with Dead Drunk Boyfriend.

Light stands
the desk
Shitty lamp
Book case
pasta maker
Eventually the mattress, only when I find something 'good enough' I can sell.

I enjoy thinking how miserable he'd be knowing I have erased every aspect of him. My goal is to be rich enough to thrive and forget his name and that he ever touched me.

looking around I don't see much of what we had left. I still have a note somewhere in my phone of his pathetic "I have a right to drink and do drugs". What a fucking liar, all these broken boy soldiers. I can't waste any more time with anyone. I've identified a few feminist groups out west, so my plan is to minimize buying anything new (not that I do, anyway, without thinking, "could I sell this in less than a year". And then walk the fuck away from this rotten crap town.

My goal is the west, and then international relocation within three years. the only thing I will ever care about is getting rich enough to travel.

The relationships, the 'find a team and a company', work to make a difference? These past 2 years have shown me we have limited time so I a) need to get investing, and b) identify the places I want to travel, and escape to a place of safety with renewable resources.

Everything is about to get much, much, darker, and I do NOT want to be distracted by anything or anyone while I get out.

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kahluagal @ 2022-01-29T13:47:00

2022-01-29T18:50:21Z

A lot of snow today makes me realize how anxious I am to move back to California. This is my last winter here.

He's in Hawaii by himself for his annual Birthday Trip and sending me all these pictures, and I suspect it's to rub it in. It's not a 'look how beautiful this is!'. This was a guy who was in a panic for days before - on his way to a fucking vacation to Hawaii. I'm regularly in 7 meetings a day stuck in Zoom calls - which he has no sympathy for - and meanwhile he has an inheritance of god knows what, which means he isn't worried about working. He's worried about a lot, but he can drop probably $3000 on a trip to Hawaii.

Continuing my job search exclusively out West (plus something temporary to escape where I am now) and focusing on my to-do list even though I'm terrified of the future. I have no choice.

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kahluagal @ 2021-11-18T20:27:00

2021-11-19T01:28:35Z

If I had more female friends in person to do things with I think I'd never date again. I really don't want the last man I'm with to be A., but he's not good for me and hope to find somebody else soon.

I'm tired of relationships and just want an intentional community of women, ideally overseas, and leave this country forever.

"I was wondering if you'd be open to a feedback session" - no, toxic coworker, I'm NOT open to it.

Between toxic love and toxic work, I'm all tapped out of it all.

My hope is to just settle for any kind of work and move to Vancouver within 6 months.

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kahluagal @ 2021-09-19T20:20:00

2021-09-20T00:26:59Z

It's all but certain I'm just going to return back to my home country, where I should never have left. I have no retirement, have massive debt I'll never escape and no life here. I hate the aggressiveness here and it's time to leave.

Going to look into going to grad school - maybe a PhD program, that's about 5 years or so. I can't cope with the world, so this is my new goal. Hide in the safety of school. Maybe also look at Europe, although more complicated. And at the end of that if I make it through a PhD and things are incredibly bad - as I anticipate with covid and climate, it's all going to hell soon... well if things are dire I intend to travel to Europe and then just end everything there. I feel positive at that escape hatch in my life. I'm not having a life - I'm wearing a mask, going through the motions and for what? This plan is mine and it frees me.

I have 'good' insurance but no way I can meet a $5,000 deductible so that when insurance kicks in then psychiatric care will go down to less than $100 a session or whatever. There is nothing other than out of pocket and hopefully get reembursed. My brain is too damaged to figure all of this out AND a job hunt AND long term planning.

This was all things I should have been doing 20 years ago, but I see now time has run out. I'm not depressed, but my brain isn't working well enough to be able to manage all this stress of apartment move and job hunt, let alone day to day life. I never had a chance with my father's broken toxic deadly genes. My mother's anxious genes. Nobody in my family should have had kids. I'm the results of their toxicity and I resent my life because of their selfishness.

This was not the life I wanted but at least it's in my control now of what to do next - and when.

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kahluagal @ 2021-09-10T09:45:00

2021-09-10T13:46:11Z

Nothing really matters in terms of me for this life. I'm exhausted, can't make my brain work and am really just tired of making this career, this country, this everything work. This pandemic has broken me. I'm looking at what I can give away and just move back 'home'.

I guess it's good to know you can still cry, you're not completely numb to anything.

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kahluagal @ 2021-08-30T17:50:00

2021-08-30T21:50:50Z

Dan came to town - literally lives 3,000 miles away - and didn't even bother to try and get together with me. That friendship is done.

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kahluagal @ 2021-06-26T10:43:00

2021-06-26T14:44:37Z

when am I going to have a life where i'm not constantly looking for a job, looking for an apartment, or panicked about poverty and homelessness?

I will not last a year. If things don't improve my plan is to travel with what's left of my savings and escape when on a trip overseas and finally feel the freedom I've been craving.

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kahluagal @ 2021-06-14T09:45:00

2021-06-14T13:46:54Z

Successfully moved but made a bad choice of apartments. Safer neighborhood, but older building that just makes me wish I was in California. I'm going to spend time researching nice apartments here before leaving this city. I'm really slumming it here and get tired of it.

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kahluagal @ 2021-06-08T11:44:00

2021-06-08T15:48:58Z

All the things I was supposed to have help for in this move, I'm doing by myself.

As usual.

It will have been a week between breakup on one day, and me moving just over a week. He couldn't wait a week to destroy me. He couldn't have just kept his mouth shut for another 7 days to ensure I get everything done, even help make sure with details because of the amount of stress.

You have so many examples where he's been selfish, and one day I will write them down and make money off my pain, and who will get the last laugh then. BEST REVENGE IS YOUR PAPERS.

Meanwhile my fire alarm is going off - I texted the landlord because I can't reach it with my stepladder, and he'll probably take hours to resolve it.

This is a horrible, horrible city. It's a lie that people care about one another here. I will leave for London or anywhere but here.

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kahluagal @ 2021-06-03T14:34:00

2021-06-03T18:35:07Z

Got dumped last night.

I hate him.

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kahluagal @ 2021-05-31T10:14:00

2021-05-31T14:16:23Z

He is encouraging me to buy furniture for my new apartment. My plan is to simply:

Find a new city to move to
Take an amazing vacation and give everything up.

I'm fine with my dark state. All I want to do is travel and then not exist and I welcome it.

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