(no subject)

I have to remind myself that when I got a drive to the vaccine shot - one I wasn't planning, but he was in the neighborhood for, he was hungry so he got food and said, "i'm going to leave early - is that ok"?  

After I had the vaccine shot.

Then he turned around and waited for me, but his first instinct was to leave.

Then today when I mentioned I was having side effects and didn't have alleave and he asked me what he could pick up for me - I said fruit, juice, alleave - then he 'lost track of time' and promised he was going to be ending his drawing for a client, where there's no deadline, and called and basically 'do i still need to come', which would have meant showing up at 9 pm.

I mentioned I was headachey and anyone else would have just come over. 

I have to look at all the data points he is giving me and remind myself he is damaged goods on so many levels and not at all dependable.  He kind of helps but his first instinct is self preservation - always.

I'm not going to go into the refusal to come see apartments with me.  Again, damaged goods.  I have to not text him, not call him, just be busy and focus on me.  I need to get a ring that says FOCUS and remind myself with a mantra every morning not to get distracted.

I had a post it note on my wall that said 'no distractions'.  He saw that and ripped it up and said it wasn't being very kind to myself.  I think he knows his time is up, and I'm done with wasting my time.

The more articles I read about signs you're not in love with someone, the more I know I'll be happier with someone else and I won't even miss him, and it's great. 

I feel sorry he's unable to see the value in me.