le journal d'une fille etranger

I plan to do an artistic project with all the toxic words partners have said to me.

After seeing NINE apartments yesterday - including at least 5 I was humoring him with, shitty Craigslist postings in crappy ghetto buildings - I told him how exhausted I was and I need some boundaries about sleep and energy.

His reply?

I need you to stop being mad at me like I did something to you.

When he was pushing me to see them, and arranged the apartments.

***

Priorities:
- apartment hunt
- job hunt
- additional: girlfriend hunt, medical/get back on meds, start artistic hobbies.

I will see him maybe on a Saturday, but start ghosting.  "Oh sorry busy'.  As it is I NEVER message him good morning anymore, or good night.  I will use this as a 'pretend to sound engaged' practice. I am wasting time with this person, and as soon as I have a girlfriend I will walk away from him.  My goal is to move to a place where I don't need him at all.  I deserve better than damaged goods.  He doesn't even realize how quickly I will have walked out the door, and it feels FANTASTIC to know that for both Max and him, neither of them are people I have any emotional ties
to.

I didn't hear from Max for a month, and get a stupid meme.  He's a baby, a child not even worth wasting my time. 

none of them merit any of my time, my attention, any of it.  What i need to do is find other women who struggle with codependence and spend time with THEM>

Last night I told him after the day of apartments I need to sleep alone because I was exhausted.  So I got up and moved to the smaller bed.  I could hear the hurt in his voice.  I felt him in the middle of the night come to the bedroom and kiss me, lying down beside me maybe at 4 am.  I was so exhausted, but I could sense him there.

Whatever.

He can miss me when I'm gone.  I won't even remember his name.  I've erased most of Andy from my memory.  The next will be to sell the few items of him that were practical - some beauty tools like a hot iron, my iPad - and make money off of them.

I plan to focus on money more than any partner.  None of these people deserve me.