kahluagal: (Default)
Increasingly fed up with New York.

If a fantastic job popped up in Toronto or L.A., I would pack it all up and go there. In a heartbeat. No regrets. I will become someone who has a packed bag ready to go. The relationship is one where the choice has been made - he'll always choose alcohol over me. So I'm going to choose me, and getting the FUCK out of dodge. I will smile and nod, and plan.

I have a list of things I want to do in this life. None of them involve him, really. He's not going to 'make it' as a rock star. My plans involve simplifying my possessions, finding a great job I love and not compromising, and finding stability in a relationship.

I need new blood, new experiences. L.A. is probably a mistake, but I know something in my heart is not happy here. The more I talk about New York, the more I realize it is NOT for me. Why not go somewhere else? Overseas isn't an option, but the myth of California - I can get behind. It recognizes it's a myth. I'm tired of living a lie that I'll 'make it out here'. FUCK THAT SHITE.

Time to actual live - not make lists, not wear masks. I need a chance - NOW.

Priorities are:

- list of things on my life plan - stop planning, just do them
- making links to people here who want to move, or people out there to share with
- stop thinking people I've met here - like one of my classmates, Christopher, the cute gay guy who's been sweet to me - is ever really going to be my friend. He's being polite - that's it. Stop wishing, start living.

The goal will be to find people keeping me focused - so at lunch at work, keep my planning, outreach, goals, achieving them and not getting distracted by other people's absolute shit.

I will be excited by this new life. I will have faith in myself to find a better job, a fantastic sunny environment, a new city to memorize and be mesmerized by.

It will happen. I will make this happen.
kahluagal: (Default)
Nothing like being so desperate you're taking any interview you can get even if you can't really do the work.

We've had to ask his parents for money for rent this month.

Can't focus on anything except homelessness.

I feel like I'm already dead.
kahluagal: (Default)
Pretty soon I will have run through all my savings. There's a possibility I will have to return home and... live in my sister's basement. The embarassment of not having a goddamn thing to show for my life.

If things don't turn around soon within the year I will off myself. I won't have money for rent, medication, anything, really. If my computer dies, I have no family who have a nest-egg, no farm to escape to. That's it.

That life is over. I have been asleep, struggling, always struggling, for the past 12 years that I've been here. I should never have left Canada. I've failed miserably in this life, and just ended up with debt and no job prospects.

It would not surprise me if within the year I'm living homeless on the streets of vancouver or something, somewhere warm so i can at least survive on it. never felt this desperate and pretty much ready to give everythinga way. I'm spinning my wheels and kidding myself if any of this will ever, EVER change.

That's it, then.
kahluagal: (Default)
and you thought this flake would be a candidate for a threesome? And she's staying with us for a few days, this 'friend' of yours?


This relationship is on its last legs. I am going to concentrate on finding work, and packing up/shreading my paperwork in my spare time and get the fuck out of dodge. I want my single life back. Compromising for relationships SUCKS and I'm done with it.
kahluagal: (vv kills rawr)
So honestly, I'm not trying to engage in the usual LJ drama, but it's time for me to switch to another journal address. This address has been feeling a bit too exposed lately, especially since someone on one of the message boards I belong to (and talk about incessantly) did a search for my handle and found this LJ. Needless to say, time to go a bit more underground - I don't mind people knowing I have a LJ, but I don't want people reading it if I don't trust them. Trust is a damn important thing, on and offline.

I'd love it if people would still keep me on their lists, as I love reading everyone's entries. If you want to keep up with me, email me at kahluagal "at" bust.com and I'll send you the new username for my new LJ. I'll keep this entry around for a while, but will start posting at the new place once I've 'moved in' and finished customizing. And quite honestly, since it's kind of starting to be a new chapter in my life, perhaps it's time for a new journal to capture it all in... I've seen some of my friends do it online - move to a new 'house' so to speak - so maybe it's time I tried moving into someplace new - both in real life and online. Never let it be said life isn't interesting, no?
kahluagal: (Default)
Hello kind stranger.

yes, you've come to one of those ever annoying, "this Livejournal is friends-only" parts of the web. Believe me, I am not a snob, and actually have few if any real life friends. However, since most of this journal is of a private nature I've made it friends only. It's nothing salacious. Just...private.

Fear not, dear stranger! Please leave a message here and I'll most likely add you as a friend. Thanks kindly. Also note that I don't always check this post on a frequent basis, so if you do add your name here, know that I will eventually check back and add you.


- The Management


kahluagal: (Default)

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