kahluagal | Entries tagged with andy

Have to click on the image to view. Andy, after a night of drinking and me telling him I had had enough. That was me saying to him, 'sit outside in the cold - you need to sober up'. This is how I'll remember him - always drunk.

It's going to take me MONTHS to finish packing everything and selling and donating because I work at a shit job that has me traveling Monday to Thursday. My weekends are spent packing and trying to sell things, and basically getting rid of anything that reminds me of Andy. An entire life of a couple that spent 7 years together and I have to clean up all his messes. He didn’t love himself to stop drinking or smoking, or huffing – at the end of his life huffing cans of compressed air like a 12 year old. I would hear him doing it in the kitchen and hiding it from me. I told him to cut that shit out or I would leave him, told him to get help but nothing. He didn’t want help. He was just interested in getting high. He would get drunk again and again and I told him I was done – he needed help.

He ignored me.

We had to pay $100 for a local drug dealer because he owed from buying vape cartridges. I’ll also never know if one of them was contaminated, because a pathologist report costs $6,000 so I’ll never know his cause of death

I see now we were never going to move, me telling him to find a job, that we needed to leave this apartment because I didn’t feel safe in this neighborhood. Instead the ‘life’ I thought we were building was a place for him to buy synthesizers and cocoon himself from the world while he slowly drank himself to death. And now I have an apartment full of shit to get rid of, and no apartment to find yet because I hate this shitty, shitty city.

I can see notifications on his phone. He installed Tinder. Classy.

I feel betrayed by him, so at least it’s making getting rid of things easier. I don’t want any of the things we had together – the pasta maker, the Kitchenaid – because he chose to die by drinking himself to death rather than live with me.

I doubt I will ever date again, or trust anyone to date. Why bother? Truly, the idea of being alone upsets me but I’m not going through this again. No relationship is worth it – the emotional time and money invested. For what? Not to mention the thousands I’ve spent over the 7 years – the Bank of Me was always open apparently. I think he played the ‘Relationship Game’ because it gave him a roof over his head, and allowed him to work on music. When I pressured him to find work, to clean up his shit and get help for his drinking, he got depressed and got high, and it killed him.

He told his brother he had stopped drinking. This, from a man who would drink 6 beers a day. He was a liar, a salesman and a smooth talker; sweet and caring and generous, but I see that now it was a way to manipulate people into getting what he wanted, which was a ROOF OVER HIS HEAD.

I’m done with these losers. Truly, truly weak. It’s hard for me to look back at the good parts, because I saw the bad parts too frequently. I need to get therapy to prevent getting into another relationship. I won’t trust anyone ever again. I’ve been too scarred by this experience, the experience of watching him die in my arms after giving him CPR, and me cleaning up his mess.

My heart is closed off now. Fuck you Andy, for closing it.