le journal d'une fille etranger

 
I have no energy for it all any more

- unemployed
- broke and going through savings
- trauma and PTSD
- more health crap

I am alone, alone, alone and planning.  Planning how to tie things up with a bow.

i have learned a lot of painful lessons and how shockingly naive I have been.  I was not made for this world.  I'm ready for the new one and the end of suffering.

The boyfriend dumped me after repeated months of emotional abuse and 2 years of pandemic dating. He moved on quickly and is building a house with his new supply - two houses one for him, one for her - and has cut me out of his life. I have an idea of an email to send to him (more on that later) that will hurt him and get me the justice. He will never apologize for his malevolence. He is toxic. He is damaged. He is hate.

The words that can destroy us are as deadly a weapon as a gun. Worse, probably.

I am reminded of who needs to be in my life, and who are Adulting Actors - the people who I will be nice to and wear a mask, but NEVER reveal myself to. These are the job references, the 'people with a car', the people who I for whatever reason have to play 'nicey nice'. These are not my people. I have my goals and I will find my chosen people - the witches, the kink friendly people, the Burners, everyone who I believe in more.

I hate living here - this city, this country - and am applying to move overseas and am focusing on the job hunt there (with a temporary stop somewhere cheaper, even getting a roommate, as gross as that is). Maybe I'll move to Boston or some other big city temporarily - not that any place is cheap. But I have a plan to do all the things I want - including getting my poetry published. And the message I will send the ex is one of the most eloquent things I've ever written, and it will sting. I have to decide how far and how honest to go, but I don't want this toxic person in my life so may the bridges I burn light the way.

The best part is I know something that happened to him that in some ways he always fought but knows it's true - how his family thought of him. The way I phrased it, I hope to also publish that prose piece. There is nothing more I want than fame and to see him crumple as my star rises.

I hope he ends up alone after screaming at another unsuspecting woman. How many has he yelled at, over his life?

I have gone completely no contact with Fuckface.  It's been at least a week, and I've given one word responses.  I have too much I want to do, and his disturbed self can go die in a corner.

I am doing house projects.  Want to see a movie later... [...] If seeing me is weird, it's ok.

WHO HANGS OUT WITH THEIR EXES LIKE THIS? Just casually going to a movie with the person who broke your heart?

The best part? When we were having a heated discussion about relationships and moving in together, he said 'we're not there yet'. So I get to throw that back in his face.

He didn't even remember that we had had that discussion, or even that he had invited me to the part of a friend of his where we had it.  It's like he doesn't remember half of 'us' for most of this.

He's going through a rough patch but that's none of my concern.  Too much hurt and I'll never heal and have to get off this rollercoaster and concentrate on the new hobbies I want, and when I'm lonely a) go to meetups to get my fill of social interaction, and b) one day I won't be single (or not) and I can live without the physical connection because I need the emotional connection more.

Fuck romance, fuck sex - give me a person who can make me laugh and give me a hug.

on the verge of breaking up, and he sends a 'I think we're each going to be ok, you have my forever allegiance'.

I hope to never contact him again.

"I think we're going to be ok" - after a fucking BREAKUP? This man is not well and I should never had gone on a date with him.  He is so mentally unwell on so many levels.  Says I'm beautiful and he loves me - but doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. 

I need to focus on my life and pretend I never met him.  Going no-contact and avoiding his mental gymnastics is going to be hard but I have a life to achieve and I don't want this person in my life any more.  They don't deserve me.

I have a massive crush on a very popular hip hop artist who is just all sorts of delightful and his ambition and talk of manifestation is intoxicating. 

new goals, new goals.

• Get health crap done
• Lose weight
• Relocate to SF (better money potentially too) and get a banging job.
• Find a girlfriend (temporary)
• Keep doing creative things and get what you want - more success, more money, and manifest what I want.

That feeling when someone from the past returns and the possibilities from the future and moving to a new state open up again.

I realize how the current state - both geographically and this relationship - are just dark and negative and I don't want that life any more.  I don't think I ever did.  I'm not dark, and I belong out West, which is where I am going (for now)

I continue to sell anything that I had with my life with Dead Drunk Boyfriend.

Light stands
the desk
Shitty lamp
Book case
pasta maker
Eventually the mattress, only when I find something 'good enough' I can sell.

I enjoy thinking how miserable he'd be knowing I have erased every aspect of him.  My goal is to be rich enough to thrive and forget his name and that he ever touched me.

looking around I don't see much of what we had left.  I still have a note somewhere in my phone of his pathetic "I have a right to drink and do drugs".  What a fucking liar, all these broken boy soldiers.  I can't waste any more time with anyone.  I've identified a few feminist groups out west, so my plan is to minimize buying anything new (not that I do, anyway, without thinking, "could I sell this in less than a year". And then walk the fuck away from this rotten crap town.

My goal is the west, and then international relocation within three years.  the only thing I will ever care about is getting rich enough to travel.

The relationships, the 'find a team and a company', work to make a difference? These past 2 years have shown me we have limited time so I a) need to get investing, and b) identify the places I want to travel, and escape to a place of safety with renewable resources.

Everything is about to get much, much, darker, and I do NOT want to be distracted by anything or anyone while I get out.

If I had more female friends in person to do things with I think I'd never date again.  I really don't want the last man I'm with to be A., but he's not good for me and hope to find somebody else soon.

I'm tired of relationships and just want an intentional community of women, ideally overseas, and leave this country forever.

"I was wondering if you'd be open to a feedback session" - no, toxic coworker, I'm NOT open to it.

Between toxic love and toxic work, I'm all tapped out of it all.

My hope is to just settle for any kind of work and move to Vancouver within 6 months.

Nothing really matters in terms of me for this life.  I'm exhausted, can't make my brain work and am really just tired of making this career, this country, this everything work.  This pandemic has broken me.  I'm looking at what I can give away and just move back 'home'.

I guess it's good to know you can still cry, you're not completely numb to anything.