le journal d'une fille etranger

A journal I didn't even know I was following posted this today randomly so I thought I would try to follow along. I used to do regular gratitude lists, not sure what happened to that. Gratitude can be hard sometimes. But this is different. Anyway let's see what happens.

Day 1: LIST 10 THINGS THAT MAKES YOU REALLY HAPPY

1. Hiking. The hard work, the flowers, the crisp air, it's different every time. The birds, the silly squirrels, the random strangers, the peacefulness. The way the sky constantly changes. The trees that feel like the kindest most generous guardians, offering protection and shelter and comforting scents and beauty and never asking for anything.

2. Coffee. The warm cozy ritual of it in the mornings, the associations with mom, another coffee lover. The buzz and soft euphoria it offers, the brightens it gives the world when I look up from its comforting steaminess.

3. Avalanche. Sweetest kitten. The happier she is, the happier I am. And somehow no matter what, she is always happy.

4. Lookout towers. The quiet simple peacefulness of being up in the forest and away from everything. That the most important things become sleep and hot water. Trails that go on forever (more hiking, always hiking), views that go on forever. The lack of pressure to do anything but enjoy our surroundings. Playing on silks in crazy beautiful places.

5. Aerial silks. The way they make me feel strong and confident and beautiful, the way they wrap and hug me, the way they force me to work and challenge me to push my body, the way they hold me upside down and sideways and let me stretch or crunch or wind or unwind at my own pace.

6. Outdoor swimming. Swimming in the heated pool at Timberline Lodge, and soaking in their hot tub, was probably one of my favorite things I did all year, last year. I missed the lake at Indian Ridge last year, but maybe this summer we can try again.

7. Bike rides. It's hard work and the woosh of the wind is exhilarating, seeing the trees and flowers rush by, climbing hills and floating down them, getting better views at the top of a hard climb, catching my breath while looking out over the world, before riding home on a magic contraption that soars over the road.

8. The coast. The smell of the ocean, the hiking trails, the soft soft velvet sand here in the pacific nw, the moody weather, the wind and saltiness, the sound of the waves, the sparkling of the sun and the movement of the clouds and the brightness of the stars at night. Making little driftwood fires and watching the sunset. Toes in the sand and water.

9. Dancing. Getting lost in the music, the outfits and flashy lights, the otherworldliness, interacting with others wordlessly, or laughing and playing with them, the silliness and freedom of the movements, the excitement when the music gets really good, the sweatiness and exhaustion at the end of a super fun night.

10. Sharing all of these things with people I love - lookout towers with Josh and Tyler, bike rides with Cynthia, dancing with all the Coffin Club buddies, taking friends to the beach, swimming with the boys, hiking with whoever will go with me, playing on silks with circus folks; happy hour with Karissa (happy hour doesn't matter to me but time with Karissa does), coffee and birdsong with Avalanche in the morning is what gets me out of bed.

It brings me a lot of joy and comfort to come check on everyone I'm subscribed to, here. I don't comment but I'm absorbing and I'm grateful.

I used to do a lot of deep, long comments, back in the day. 20-25 years ago. But since the age of the bookface and twitter and such, I've felt really self-conscious and stifled about sharing thoughts or feelings about what I read. I should just drop a little hi i c u note or something, I guess? Anyway. So grateful that folks are writing and sharing, here.

I've been pretty rough and not able to post much publicly because what's going on inside is just too ugly :(

Tomorrow will be better, I was just in so much pain the last couple of days. I had a really nice nap today and a nice half a sweet potato with fresh rosemary and butter and am feeling much restored.

Working on a couple of chia pudding recipes, as I discovered a chia pudding treat at my coop and am spending far too much money gobbling them up.

Bought a soymilk "malk" with 3 ingredients today that reminds me of the fresh soymilk my chinese roommates at Tufts used to make from scratch. That should help with the pudding experiments.

I wish I knew how to make chocolate pudding.

Maybe it's a good thing I don't, actually, lol.

I sat outside with a fantasy book and Avalanche on my lap under the patio cover in the rain and read until my hands froze.

Going to get back to the book. My main character girl just turned into a pixie - she was a changling and only just found out and is shedding her glamour, poor thing, it's a messy process. She seems nonplussed about it, but, she's been friends with faeries her whole life and her human life is pretty bad. So I guess that makes sense. Also she's only 16 so I guess not all that attached to her human body yet, lol.

My finch app is trying to get me to reach out and connect with friends more. I think I am already too connected and need to pull back. It's okay. I'm good where I am, for the moment. It's okay to not be a better friend every single day. I'm just too tired and in pain right now to reach out much. I have so much love for people, but just, so little energy.

My therapist is so sweet. He admitted he didn’t realize how bad it’s been, he doesn’t always see it because I’m usually so happy to see him.

He did mention that the lack of afternoon coffee will mess up my mood a lot since I’m not medicated. Yes it will reduce anxiety a little, but the depression will worsen.

So here I am, chugging my old standby 1:30pm almond milk latte.

I’m desperate.

Another sweet thing, when I was explaining my anger at the shallow nature of self help material purporting to help “find your purpose” and the lack of fulfillment I feel, “you know what really helps with that? Group therapy.”

We’re starting a group next month. He’s done tons of groups over the years but this will be his first private practice group. I’m excited about it. He said when he first considered starting a group, I was the first person he thought of. :)

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