le journal d'une fille etranger

Me: yeah, i treated myself to Glass Animals tickets

Him: I'm glad you've found a band you like

doesn't ask about tickets even though we've said stuff like 'we should go out west' and I said the words TICKETS


***

him: hope your eve is pleasant. I cooked dinner for a lover tonight

me, thinking to myself, yeah I had nobody cooking for me.  Why the fuck are you telling me about your lovers? What am I supposed to say, 'yay?'

Oh, and I notice, you message me after they've left, and before you go to bed at night, which either means you're horny and are just using me or maybe you feel something more.

tired of your bullshit.


***

I don't know what his game is, and I just don't know.  Maybe at 30, dating multiple people, I'm just the same fool as I ever was.  I will find someone else.  I can't go through bullshit and heartache and cluelessness and 'oh I didn't mean to hurt you'.

None of these people are worth it.  I'm all but certain I'm just going to go home to Canada after the election if it goes poorly.  I'll tell him and he'll probably whimper, but that's what broken boys do.  I mean, he's apparently been multitasking posting on Facebook during a lot our chats - the asshole, do you think I can't see your timestamps, so it's obvious I'm a sexting buddy and nothing more.

It will be easy to ghost, because I didn't exist to him in the first place.

The most important thing I have is my freedom, and I ain't giving it up for ANYONE.

What I need to do is when I long for him, say 'a simple prop, to occupy my time'.  over and over again.

It should say something that I feel sexier than I have in years - maybe decades, maybe ever - with a guy who I never met than I have with the last three partners.  Which dysfunctional one do we want, the guy who stopped sleeping with me, and I find out 2 months before he died he was messaging other women on dating apps?

How about the emotionally abusive asshole who made fun of me for wanting to use a toy (although he had a massive chest of them) and when I had some stress in the bedroom, called me frigid.

Or the guy addicted to porn who ended up physically assaulting me.

Or the husband who couldn't even try to connect sexually because I wasn't a book or a paper, so why engage?

I again have no illusions of this guy.  But he's sensitive, a Scorpio, says that I'm stunning and turn him on, and seems damn near obsessed with worshiping me with him as a sub, pleasing me, doing what he can to put me front and center, who has indicated even when he's not into something he's willing to try it, basically if it turns his partner on.  That's all he cares about.  I again know there are flags that I have to watch out for, but connecting with him feels beautiful.

And every time we talk of travel, we joke but I miss being homesick about my hometown - him saying 'oh we should go - Canada adventure'.  Or I tell him about the beauty of the desert he tells me the Grand Canyon is beautiful and WE SHOULD GO, all caps, excited.  And that within a few weeks of chatting he mentioned 'having the pandemic sucks, it would be so cool to meet you'. 

And then we we talk about we want to do with one another, he keeps on saying 'I can't wait'.  The things he writes make me smolder. I know it's idle chat but I feel incredibly fascinated, and fascinating, and sexy.

I tell him I feel like I'm an asteroid burning up in the atmosphere in a most delightful smoldering way and he tells me 'I love that I can make you feel that way'.  And that he wants to make me writhe in ecstasy.

And then I have to remind myself to breathe again.

It is apparent that this guy... is simple.

He's a sweet one, a hot one, great music taste, but so many red flags I feel like I'm landed in the circus. If I've only known him a few weeks at least that's progress, recognizing it, these signs that this will all go in flames.

Hospitalized with madness? Had a drinking and pot problem which required rehab but now is sober?

I've dated THREE alcoholics.  No more.

One absolutely amazing 4 hour session of sexting means nothing - doesn't matter that the flirty is fun.  Fine, I had my fun. I see now that this is not what I need.  I can see that he is probably good with women, probably plays cute and knows how to manipulate them 'even if he doesn't mean to'.  I see too much of Andy in him as well.  That's not a good sign.  I need help, and badly, to escape the manchildren.

He is an INTP - which essentially means a kind of robot, who won't even be able to see where he's hurt me.  At best I could be in some FWB situation with someone i see maybe a few times a year from central Pennsylvia (UGH), have lots of hot Zoom calls, and he's always going to have something else, someone else.  He's watching some gamer streaming right now.  We seem to struggle to have conversations at times because well, he can't seem to focus to message me back because... he's 30 and has NO attention.  Or maybe is just rude. 

I am the intriguing hot older woman that fulfills some fantasies for him.

I'm sorry, after a week of texting, he doesn't want to see my face or do a video chat of some sort? How fucked up is that? That isn't right, after what we've shared.

He's comfortable in his ways, the ambitions I thought were there are me projecting.  There's a lot of 'oh I would love to live overseas' but also a lot of 'well I took time off and got fired from that job...'.  Just not what I need.  I need the strength and resolve to back away, to smile and nod, and ghost or rather fade away.

Since most of the people in my life had done just that, it should be easy to do.  My tormentors have taught me well.

If I get lonely and desirous, find someone age appropriate and rich, or go on a run.  There should really be a button to just hide people from Facebook.  What's funny is if i unfriended him from IG, FB and OKC I doubt he'd even care.
 
What I need is a stable, ambitious rich person who will take care of me and treat me as a goddess - and knows enough not to get distracted by some streaming show.  I obsess over that lead singer, but am under no illusions.  At the same time, he has fucking ambition and is killing it.

this one won't, and never will.

It hurts to be so close to happiness and know I'll never gain it with you.

bye bye my love...my dear sweet Max. I'm going to escape this before we even begin, so my heart doesn't burn into flames when you break it.