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Aug. 30th, 2020 07:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kahluagalOh Max.
It's so hard to say no to him, or not want to talk to him, when it feels like we have a bond, and he tells me he longs for me, and I think about him and get so excited when we chat.
However. There is always a however.
It isn't just that he posts about being hospitalized for being bipolar on Facebook; when I've posted anything personal I'm extremely careful because I know none of that is private.
It's the depths of his illness that makes me wonder how many patterns I'm repeating - this will be my third alcoholic and/or bipolar person. (Andy wasn't, to my memory, hospitalized, but self harmed enough that he could have been and never told me). Andy's damage and trauma and lies all go into a blur.
Max mentions being 'hospitalized four consecutive times that [one] year' - for weeks and months at a time... and being hospitalized every 2 years, in 2014, 2016, 2018 but so far he's ok in 2020 and stable.
You don't get committed unless you're that far gone. Unless you're a danger to yourself or others. I've seen the ward with Jeff, after he lost it after beating me up and having his manic episode. Max committed himself to the hospital every time and it happens fairly regularly for bipolar people and he's on 2 meds - serious ones too.
The time with Andy has me very reluctant to trust anyone ever again since they could just be lying to themselves, or likely me. What happens with Max - does he spend money? Talk someone's ear off? Become overly sexual?
Become violent? Because I've had two times of that and I can't do a third.
I won't cut him out of my life, and remain optimistic that he could be stable in the future, and I know there is no possibility for an us because of everything else - his relationships, his location and our age difference. But I will find a way to distance myself slowly. I've worked really, really hard at not messaging him even though sometimes it hurts not to hear from him for days, or to have his communication be so robotic. He mentioned being hospitalized, but I thought it was once. I didn't realize it was 3 years, and 4 times in one year most recently. In and out of hospital.
What triggers it - what happens if the meds don't work? If I have a tendency towards mothering, towards devoting myself to a relationship and losing myself in a codependent haze of self destruction, will that happen to me again as yet another flightless bird falls out of his nest?
I'm more shocked at myself for not seeing this - that I have attracted the same person and not realized it. I didn't set out to. I saw someone quirkky - hey, he likes David Lynch - and didn't assume that translated as 'madness', quite literally. I keep attracting these damaged lost little boys and I can't do it anymore. They will destroy me. They have destroyed so much of me already. I give of myself my love, my money, my soul to these boychild men, and love them for being damaged. Even if it's through no fault of their own - such as in the case of someone with a mental illness. I am extremely forgiving of the mental health issue because I KNOW that it's literally often beyond their control.
I can't do this again. I can't be destroyed by love anymore. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be destroyed by the love anymore.
What is the irony, the FIRST TIME in almost a year since Andy's death, that the first time I have felt connected, dare I say, even happy with someone, and it's with fire that will destroy me? I have a theory that I'm paying for the karma I've created in relationships - that there's no future life to pay for it, that I'm paying for the damage I've created in relationships and paying for it now.
I can't be consumed by his destruction anymore. I can't be or it will destroy me.
It's so hard to say no to him, or not want to talk to him, when it feels like we have a bond, and he tells me he longs for me, and I think about him and get so excited when we chat.
However. There is always a however.
It isn't just that he posts about being hospitalized for being bipolar on Facebook; when I've posted anything personal I'm extremely careful because I know none of that is private.
It's the depths of his illness that makes me wonder how many patterns I'm repeating - this will be my third alcoholic and/or bipolar person. (Andy wasn't, to my memory, hospitalized, but self harmed enough that he could have been and never told me). Andy's damage and trauma and lies all go into a blur.
Max mentions being 'hospitalized four consecutive times that [one] year' - for weeks and months at a time... and being hospitalized every 2 years, in 2014, 2016, 2018 but so far he's ok in 2020 and stable.
You don't get committed unless you're that far gone. Unless you're a danger to yourself or others. I've seen the ward with Jeff, after he lost it after beating me up and having his manic episode. Max committed himself to the hospital every time and it happens fairly regularly for bipolar people and he's on 2 meds - serious ones too.
The time with Andy has me very reluctant to trust anyone ever again since they could just be lying to themselves, or likely me. What happens with Max - does he spend money? Talk someone's ear off? Become overly sexual?
Become violent? Because I've had two times of that and I can't do a third.
I won't cut him out of my life, and remain optimistic that he could be stable in the future, and I know there is no possibility for an us because of everything else - his relationships, his location and our age difference. But I will find a way to distance myself slowly. I've worked really, really hard at not messaging him even though sometimes it hurts not to hear from him for days, or to have his communication be so robotic. He mentioned being hospitalized, but I thought it was once. I didn't realize it was 3 years, and 4 times in one year most recently. In and out of hospital.
What triggers it - what happens if the meds don't work? If I have a tendency towards mothering, towards devoting myself to a relationship and losing myself in a codependent haze of self destruction, will that happen to me again as yet another flightless bird falls out of his nest?
I'm more shocked at myself for not seeing this - that I have attracted the same person and not realized it. I didn't set out to. I saw someone quirkky - hey, he likes David Lynch - and didn't assume that translated as 'madness', quite literally. I keep attracting these damaged lost little boys and I can't do it anymore. They will destroy me. They have destroyed so much of me already. I give of myself my love, my money, my soul to these boychild men, and love them for being damaged. Even if it's through no fault of their own - such as in the case of someone with a mental illness. I am extremely forgiving of the mental health issue because I KNOW that it's literally often beyond their control.
I can't do this again. I can't be destroyed by love anymore. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be destroyed by the love anymore.
What is the irony, the FIRST TIME in almost a year since Andy's death, that the first time I have felt connected, dare I say, even happy with someone, and it's with fire that will destroy me? I have a theory that I'm paying for the karma I've created in relationships - that there's no future life to pay for it, that I'm paying for the damage I've created in relationships and paying for it now.
I can't be consumed by his destruction anymore. I can't be or it will destroy me.
