(no subject)

I think I am going through perimenopause and it explains so much - forgetful, getting fat, night sweats, thinning skin.  I am feeling old and broken and feeling my age for the first time. I think I've spent half of my life in a prescription medicine haze and wasted my life.

I am texting a 30 year old boi in Pennsylvia who is not without his flaws but thinks I'm stunning and is so attracted to me it's ridiculously flattering.  I don't contact him but he messages me.  I feel young and sexy.  I said I would stop but it makes me feel desirable.  I am determined to not get hurt, and am prepared for him to pull away at any moment.  For the time being, it's making me fall in love with myself to know someone so much younger wants me. 

The texting is hawt.  Even if it's all a lie, it feels good to be pursued, to be wooed, to have someone who wants to please me. I think it's been so long since I've had that - even in my relationships, where they all fizzled out.  they always dry up.  they get bored or want to leave.  they get bored of me.  Andy was bored of me, hence downloading apps and sending messages to girls.  This after I gave him SIX YEARS of the best of his life. 

Fuck him.  I'm done grieving someone who used me.  It will be a year ago tomorrow he died; I fully expect much crying on FB from his friends on how much Saint Andy was missed.

They didn't have to clean up him after he came how so drunk he pissed himself and missed the toilet seat.

This one is younger, cute, smart, great taste in music, and likes what I have to say, and when he flirts with me I melt.  After texting he said I happen to think you're sexy, and all the things he wants to do, that he craves me, that he tells me what he feels when he sees me.

We only had one Zoom call - mostly just texting back and forth - but during that call he let it be known he was checking me out.  He's a Scorpio and his intensity is hawt.  occasionally I look at him and i know if we were to meet in person it would be one of the most explosive weekends of my life, and I deserve it.  I deserve one of those.  On Zoom I looked at him and it's like..gah... melt.  I don't know why but he moves something in me and I like it.

I have another one, a guy in his 50ish, with no attraction (from what I can see - no intensity) but he wants something, and I want to be desired.  I want fame and I want to be desired. 

I don't believe in what I had before - i don't want monogamy, straight relationships, vanilla relationships.  I want options, a hawt girlfriend too, and to explore.

I want to shed the dead skin of the butterfly I once was, and become the dragon I need to be.