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Apr. 5th, 2020 03:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kahluagalTrying to cope thinking I'll likely get laid off at some point in the next couple of months. There are some food pantries around. Normally would try and make this a 'home' but it will never be a home. I have two camera stands and a bathroom shower rail as a makeshift 'screen' to hide the one area that you can use for storage. It's a Craigslist life and I don't want it any more. Being stuck in this place only makes it worse. Glad to have escaped the ghetto apartment, but I can't live here.
I'm paying $1800 a month for a 14 by 14 foot square. It's literally a room and a bathroom, and at my age it's a huge embarrassment. My only plan b is even worse - my sister's basement.
I hate it here. This city is horrible but no idea where to go next. I can't survive long here, that's for sure. Obsessed by money and survival, and anything I can do get rid of all of my belongings and find someone to take me away from all of this. Of course Andy in his infinite wisdom somehow broke the camera stands so they don't work properly. Another thing I paid for. The Bank of Me, Always, Open. I will never compromise in another relationship again unless that person is so rich and so able to take care of me that that's part of the bargain.
I see now I enabled a broken person and I'm done enabling anyone. I will not end up like my father, a broken ghost, a nothing.
I have stopped missing the dead boyfriend. I wish I had never met him. The pain wasn't worth it - going through grief, dating a drunk. Deeply resentful of him. What I paid for in pain, only to have been taken advantage of by a weak, broken little boy.
His mother called the day, and I should - they gave me money that would have gone to him - and I know they didn't do that. But I don't trust myself not to say something.
This is not my life - I will have something better. I fucking deserve it after all these years.
I'm paying $1800 a month for a 14 by 14 foot square. It's literally a room and a bathroom, and at my age it's a huge embarrassment. My only plan b is even worse - my sister's basement.
I hate it here. This city is horrible but no idea where to go next. I can't survive long here, that's for sure. Obsessed by money and survival, and anything I can do get rid of all of my belongings and find someone to take me away from all of this. Of course Andy in his infinite wisdom somehow broke the camera stands so they don't work properly. Another thing I paid for. The Bank of Me, Always, Open. I will never compromise in another relationship again unless that person is so rich and so able to take care of me that that's part of the bargain.
I see now I enabled a broken person and I'm done enabling anyone. I will not end up like my father, a broken ghost, a nothing.
I have stopped missing the dead boyfriend. I wish I had never met him. The pain wasn't worth it - going through grief, dating a drunk. Deeply resentful of him. What I paid for in pain, only to have been taken advantage of by a weak, broken little boy.
His mother called the day, and I should - they gave me money that would have gone to him - and I know they didn't do that. But I don't trust myself not to say something.
This is not my life - I will have something better. I fucking deserve it after all these years.
