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Dec. 10th, 2020 08:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kahluagalI think I'm realizing the guy I'm dating, Aaron, is a bit of an asshole.
I'm not going to get any emotional support from him when what is going on in my life. We had a really, really awkward conversation with far too many pauses and him saying 'I'm trying to be gentle' and 'I didn't say I was easy going in my profile' and just a lot of me going, 'wow, time to back away' in my head.
We are going to spend the holidays together because it would be nice to spend time with someone this year, but boy, I have no illusions and don't see how this relationship has any long term potential. At least I recognize this after about a month of dating that he has a cold, cold heart. I have walls up, but my heart is warm. I think clearly he's damaged on so many levels, but while he has a lot of attractive qualities, I'm going to back away slowly because I have no interest. I don't think he knows me, I think I'm pretty obvious where I'm vulnerable and he picks up on it and probably like a lot of destructive people (Andy especially) he uses it against me even if he doesn't mean to. I was very rational yesterday in explaining how I felt and I could sense the confusion that I could get upset or angry and I don't think we would understand each other at all, and I don't think I really want to.
I can wear a mask through the holidays. I wear a mask every day. He has promised to buy me things (yeah, like that's not a way to overcompensate, right there) and buy me a tree for Christmas, and praises my beautiful and how kind I am to him. But I won't open my heart up to him. I will learn to be comfortable again, to think about dating, but he is, sadly, a rebound of sorts. I have far too much I want to do, and certainly no need to do it in New York and likely not with him. I see all the red flags now, and he pursued me, and I see a future of unhappiness.
Priorities include new apartment, planning for apply to new job (one in NYC to escape this one, then longer term somewhere else). Maybe return to SF or look overseas. I have nothing to keep me in NYC or America for that matter and certainly not this guy. My freedom - that I have the ability to take off and answer to nobody - is my most valuable thing, and he ain't worth shit to give up on. I've spent a few weekends sleeping over with him, and they've felt normal and 'couple-y', but I want my happiness. I also want a girlfriend and don't want the toxicity of little broken boys any more.
Max - the cute guy I backed away from, who I don't message - still messages me. We're friendly but I have boundaries and I intend to keep them. All these people can try to scale my walls, but I won't open my soul up and lower the walls unless they're worthy. Fuck these broken toy soldiers. I'm done playing with toys.
I'm not going to get any emotional support from him when what is going on in my life. We had a really, really awkward conversation with far too many pauses and him saying 'I'm trying to be gentle' and 'I didn't say I was easy going in my profile' and just a lot of me going, 'wow, time to back away' in my head.
We are going to spend the holidays together because it would be nice to spend time with someone this year, but boy, I have no illusions and don't see how this relationship has any long term potential. At least I recognize this after about a month of dating that he has a cold, cold heart. I have walls up, but my heart is warm. I think clearly he's damaged on so many levels, but while he has a lot of attractive qualities, I'm going to back away slowly because I have no interest. I don't think he knows me, I think I'm pretty obvious where I'm vulnerable and he picks up on it and probably like a lot of destructive people (Andy especially) he uses it against me even if he doesn't mean to. I was very rational yesterday in explaining how I felt and I could sense the confusion that I could get upset or angry and I don't think we would understand each other at all, and I don't think I really want to.
I can wear a mask through the holidays. I wear a mask every day. He has promised to buy me things (yeah, like that's not a way to overcompensate, right there) and buy me a tree for Christmas, and praises my beautiful and how kind I am to him. But I won't open my heart up to him. I will learn to be comfortable again, to think about dating, but he is, sadly, a rebound of sorts. I have far too much I want to do, and certainly no need to do it in New York and likely not with him. I see all the red flags now, and he pursued me, and I see a future of unhappiness.
Priorities include new apartment, planning for apply to new job (one in NYC to escape this one, then longer term somewhere else). Maybe return to SF or look overseas. I have nothing to keep me in NYC or America for that matter and certainly not this guy. My freedom - that I have the ability to take off and answer to nobody - is my most valuable thing, and he ain't worth shit to give up on. I've spent a few weekends sleeping over with him, and they've felt normal and 'couple-y', but I want my happiness. I also want a girlfriend and don't want the toxicity of little broken boys any more.
Max - the cute guy I backed away from, who I don't message - still messages me. We're friendly but I have boundaries and I intend to keep them. All these people can try to scale my walls, but I won't open my soul up and lower the walls unless they're worthy. Fuck these broken toy soldiers. I'm done playing with toys.
