(no subject)

I want to marry the lead singer of a band that I'm really into.  Completely unrealistic, but he's incredible.

It's all I think about.

He's having a contest to remix their latest song and released ALL the parts so fans can create new music? How cool is that? So I've been trying to teach myself audio production but it's hard.  I have ideas in my head, but I don't know enough to make it all work. 

I need a tutorial - of course I have piles of Andy's friends who could teach me and not ONE of them has offered any words of encouragement or to sit down or anything.  I get told by the only one I'm even vaguely close to 'there are tutorials on Youtube'.  FUCK THESE PEOPLE.  I said does someone want to collaborate and NOTHING. I hope I get successful and show them.  Actually scratch that - make friends who support me, and one by one eliminating knowing any of these people.  I can't wait to unfriend them.  I already started.  It feels wonderful. They're not friends, they're personality packages I inherited from a drunk.

They don't realize how hard it was to even open the application, that Andy and I occasionally collaborated and that this all is a flood of memories.  It's hard to do on your own.  Not that any of them give a shit.

My dream is to create something amazing - with dance, with projection mapping, with something impressive - and get it front of this guy, the amazing guy that I've fallen for. It's impossible but I need it.  He is British, 'shy' (but a beast on stage), amazing lyrics and singing, so creative in everything he does, has an amazing successful band with genuinely decent guys.  Also started med school (?!), ended up with a degree in neuroscience so freaking SMART, was in the chess and math clubs (!?!), is tall (6 foot) and both charming and intense as fuck.  I know he would be able to treat me right in every sense.  I am under no illusions but damnit.  I could wake up every day for the rest of my life with this face.

i want to feel someone's eyes through me and make me feel again.